Even Superwoman has Bad Days/Deployment Ramblingsby Katy at The long and short of it(The post you see here has been edited. To see her original post, click here.)
I can hear the boom from the range. And it makes me miss him. He doesn’t even shoot ordinance. Just hearing the evidence of the military presence close by and knowing that he isn’t part of that presence close to home makes me want to see him. On days like this, when it would be shaking our house (we live far away from base too) I would always ask him what on earth was going on. He’d laugh, and tell me about the happenings of base. I miss having another adult around. Whenever I hear a helicopter go over the house, I think of the time he (joking people) texted me to come out in the front yard and flash him as they flew over the house. I drug out Gabi (dog) to ‘flash’ him instead. I want to laugh over a text message now, not wait until this is over. Today, I really miss my husband.
And that isn’t to say I don’t miss him every day. Of course I do. But every deployment you will have those days that creep up on you so fast and cut you so hard that any semblance of strength you have gathered just seems to fall apart. And it seems even worse now, with everything being normal, or as much as it can be. The first few weeks were just all about adjusting, then Pipes got sick and I couldn’t collapse then, and now with the day to day, in and out, of him being gone, I am just sick of it. We are hitting the middle, the longest and the worst part for me. This is the point where I start to get mad. Yes, mad. Not at my husband, not at his job, but just simply at deployment. I am upset that I have to plan his child’s second birthday without him. I am mad that he missed Pipes rolling over. I am mad that he is going to miss so many of her milestones. Parents shouldn’t have to watch things like first steps, first words, first bike ride, etc from the grainy film of a cell phone video camera. I hate when my child wakes up with a nightmare, screaming for her daddy, that all she has is his t-shirt and her ‘daddy bear’ to hold instead of him. And with the past 3 nights of poop in the tub or the shower, I really miss him-that was the one thing I couldn’t stand and he would always take care of. And selfishly, I miss my drinking buddy. I miss my steak cooker. I’m even starting to miss the smell of cigars. I miss my best friend.
It feels sometimes like you have to be a superwoman. You have to deal with sick kids, bratty dogs, temper tantrums, broken cars, house issues, everything with a smile on your face and an always happy, always calm, always upbeat demeanor that is really only achievable with happy pills. You worry if you start to show cracks that it will get back to your husband who already has enough to worry about with being in a war zone, or that you will be seen as weak, not capable to handle this challenge. You don’t want to write to your best friend about how unhappy you feel and how the day was so bad you would rather lock yourself in your room and cry then face another one because they need to be focused on the task at hand, not the fact that you are debating on duct taping everything that breathes to the wall for a moment of peace.
You feel so much more connected and disconnected during the deployment. It’s weird. I feel so much more connected in my unyielding love for my husband. I appreciate him so much more and really realize everything he does to take care of us. But at the same time, just like he isn’t going to tell me if he got shot at while flying because he doesn’t want me to worry, I’m not going to tell him that I really want to shut myself in the closet with earplugs when Pipes starts her 2-4 hour crying session because I don’t think I can take it any more. That's the disconnection part. You aren't sharing as much as you would if they were here. But just like he goes on, I go on.
And for the most part, I am perfectly fine, happy & capable of everything that this deployment has thrown at me and more. I'm sure even Superwoman had off days.
No one is superwoman 110% of the time. It is impossible. And yes, I knew exactly what I was getting into when I married my husband-a wonderful relationship with the most perfect man for me. I am in a relationship so amazing that it is worth the separation. .58 of a year. That’s it. That is how long our typical deployments are. We are on our second and have been together a total of 7 years. So 1.16 of those years will have been separated by deployments. I can’t add in the times away for training, because those are just so frequent I can’t keep track. Out of our 7 years together, only 16.5% have been apart with the big D word. That is it. That’s nothing. Add in a couple more & stretch it over a lifetime together and the fraction of time apart is insignificant. I told Pilot when we were talking about getting married that I would rather spend 6-7 months apart at times and have the rest of my days with him than to never spend a single day as his wife.
I have not regretted one day. I have not regretted being alone & pregnant, dealing with a very sick child, emergency vet visits, cleaning poop out of the tub, tackling major meltdowns, mountains of laundry, car troubles, house issues, the days that go on forever and the nights that never last long enough from lack of sleep. At the end of the day I have him. I can deal with all of this because he has faith in me, and more importantly, I have faith in myself. I am woman, hear me roar.
And besides, as another wise wife once told me-to have the highs of the homecoming, you have to have the send off. What's another few months?
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