I thought it was only fair that since I asked other women to share what God has been doing in their lives, that I share, as well. To be honest, I was planning on writing a light-hearted, rah-rah essay. But the Lord really put it on my heart to share my recent struggles, despite my argument with Him that I don’t get personal on my blog and that it’s just not pleasant to discuss. So with that, what has God been doing in my military family?
This season in my life has been the hardest I have ever faced. I have had the persistent sensation of drowning-- as one issue eased, another swelled to top the last…and on, and on, never allowing me to fully catch my breath.
Family conflict slowly resolved just as I began to experience postpartum depression. As the postpartum depression began to stabilize, and just when I thought I would be able to take a breath amidst the crashing waves around me, I became aware of the betrayal of a number of friends. The hurt from the betrayal began to ease, just as growing pains in my marriage started to develop. Gasping for breath as I rose to the surface for an instant, we found out that the military orders we had for months might be changed and our time at our current duty station was extended indefinitely. I was completely covered in water at that point, ready to succumb to the inevitable, when we found out that we lost our second child before we ever got a chance to hold her or watch her grow.
Sinking further into the depths, I felt life slowly slipping away.
That was when all my being cried out, “Praise the Lord, O my soul!” (Psalm 146:1) Reading this before, I always read it as an exclamation, as praise erupting from the psalmist’s heart. Lately, I have been reading it as an urging for my soul. Come on, soul. Praise the Lord. And even as I urge my soul to “praise the Lord,” I can feel God slowly lifting me out of the water and into His warm, loving, comforting arms.
What is God doing in my life? I really have no idea. But I do know that He allowed it all to happen for a reason. Not the cliché “everything happens for a reason” line, but the ultimate faith and trust that God is directing my life out of His love for me and for His glory. Everything happens for God and His perfect plan. I will probably never understand His reasons for such trials. And that’s ok.
It’s during times of pain that I feel the smallest, which allows me to see God as the Biggest. And here I am glorifying Him in the midst of my broken heart. O my soul, praise the Lord.