This season in my life has been the hardest I have ever faced. I have had the persistent sensation of drowning-- as one issue eased, another swelled to top the last…and on, and on, never allowing me to fully catch my breath.
Family conflict slowly resolved just as I began to experience postpartum depression. As the postpartum depression began to stabilize, and just when I thought I would be able to take a breath amidst the crashing waves around me, I became aware of the betrayal of a number of friends. The hurt from the betrayal began to ease, just as growing pains in my marriage started to develop. Gasping for breath as I rose to the surface for an instant, we found out that the military orders we had for months might be changed and our time at our current duty station was extended indefinitely. I was completely covered in water at that point, ready to succumb to the inevitable, when we found out that we lost our second child before we ever got a chance to hold her or watch her grow.
Sinking further into the depths, I felt life slowly slipping away.
That was when all my being cried out, “Praise the Lord, O my soul!” (Psalm 146:1) Reading this before, I always read it as an exclamation, as praise erupting from the psalmist’s heart. Lately, I have been reading it as an urging for my soul. Come on, soul. Praise the Lord. And even as I urge my soul to “praise the Lord,” I can feel God slowly lifting me out of the water and into His warm, loving, comforting arms.
What is God doing in my life? I really have no idea. But I do know that He allowed it all to happen for a reason. Not the cliché “everything happens for a reason” line, but the ultimate faith and trust that God is directing my life out of His love for me and for His glory. Everything happens for God and His perfect plan. I will probably never understand His reasons for such trials. And that’s ok.
It’s during times of pain that I feel the smallest, which allows me to see God as the Biggest. And here I am glorifying Him in the midst of my broken heart. O my soul, praise the Lord.
My heart hurts for you and I'm offering you some prayers as well. That's a lot for any one person to handle and you're still holding on! God's so powerful that He will see you through all this and more.
ReplyDeleteHave you read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts? It's too perfect for things in life that go awry.
Thanks for sharing! You're stronger than you realize.
In tears. Thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life. It is so comforting to me, because in many ways, I feel the same way. We don't know what God is doing, but we know who He is. Through these struggles he reveals Himself a little more each day. I am praying for you. And I agree with Jen. You need to read that book!
ReplyDeleteI can't be the only one reaching for a Kleenex. And, I'm also sure that the women who follow your blog will not betray or judge you with regard to this article, because we are all here to support you. YES! Indeed you are weak, love, but God is strong! And just think of how your Christian optimism in this article has helped other military spouses, and because of that, the devil will never have the last say. God is Almighty!
ReplyDeleteI can't be the only one reaching for a Kleenex. And, I'm also sure that the women who follow your blog will not betray or judge you with regard to this article, because we are all here to support you. YES! Indeed you are weak, love, but God is strong! And just think of how your Christian optimism in this article (and others) has helped other military spouses, and because of that, the devil will never have the last say. God is Almighty!
ReplyDeleteGod works in amazing ways, and someone at their worst can fully appreciate his works.
ReplyDeleteHe throws curves to make you stronger. Constantly throwing curves. But praise, because if he didn't you would become complacent. And that's a scary place to be.
Thank you for your prayers and sweet words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteI love that... I have never thought of that verse as an urging to the soul to praise the Lord.
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to know that God is always with us, rooting for us, even in our hard times. May He give you the peace and endurance you need to get through whatever is up ahead!!
I am so sorry to read of your loss. (I'm behind on blog reading so I just saw this today.)
ReplyDeleteI'm here from SITS--and I always appreciate when someone is willing to be open and honest and raw with the world. It is generally such a help to someone else who might be experiencing some of what you've written and feels alone. Transparency is crucial for us.
ReplyDeleteI see you wrote this in November and I'm reading it in January. I hope you're above water and basking in some sunshine by now. Your faith, I'd imagine, got your through.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a tough time for you...Having God in your life can definitely help.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this - I will definitely be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI am so emotional after reading your post. I too suffered from PPD after my daughter was born in 2001 AND I lost my son before I had a chance to hold him. He was stillborn on January 2nd, 2011. I really can feel your pain. But I want you to know that it DOES get better. I PROMISE you that. It does. And as mad as I have been at God since I lost Aiden, I have so needed him in my life. It's ok to be mad at God. I really don't think he holds a grudge. I think my strong faith in God and God's plan have helped me climb out of the pit of despair I found myself in last year. I so admire your faith and your strength. I hope you have found some sunshine as this new year dawned. I know that it sounds so cheesy - but it really is darkest before the dawn. I will be praying for you and your family. Your story really touched me. Thanks for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your loss. We may not know all of God's ways, but scripture teaches us that we are here to be tested and tried, to prove ourselves worthy, to learn and grow and ultimately become like Him. He is our Father and knows each of us perfectly. May He comfort you during your deepest trials, and may you cast your burdens upon Christ for relief. Sending love your way!
ReplyDeleteHave you read One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp? Get your hands on that book! It was bless you... It is a life changing book. Praying that God will continue to make his presence known to you, for comfort, peace and resolution!
ReplyDeleteHappy SITS Day!
Wow beautifully said...So glad you shared, so when others go through bad things they know there is hope in Christ. Thank you for sharing that and hang in there God will never leave your side.
ReplyDeleteAgain, sincerely, thank you.
ReplyDelete